or where am i?

yes, i did listen to sunny day real estate and fugazi. both on recommendation. well, sdre was an educated recommendation; i knew a bit and liked them.. and fugazi was a whimsically subservient one. rock is difficult; it just makes me covetous. i want badly to be on stage myself, and to have been able to have utilized those drums when i had them and knew what was best for me, and to have had a soul back when i had an amazing chance.

but "Tramps Like Us" beats them all down. thank you, for being REAL, and for reminding me to smile and feel the pain, which was something i badly needed and wanted to do, but couldn't because i felt too weak and alone.

last night was a tremendously REAL night, the first i've had in soooooo verrryy lonnnng. i simply sat in the dark and looked out of my window at the faded orange sky amid its frame of black treetops. i physically felt nothing; mentally and emotionally, very little. but i listened to beautifully elevatingly specially powerful music that somehow hit me, subconsciously, and summoned timeless heaving sobs from within me. i was barely conscious of the sounds; somehow, something in me felt them. i hardly knew when or where or who anything or anyone was. i only knew that life existed and that i had a REAL place in it, because the achingly wide smile and rolling tears on my face were real and real and real. i knew then that i had the right to be here and alive, and that that right was mine to use, and that i COULD DO IT.

i was reminded that there are very real people living and within reach.

and as i continued to shakingly attempt out of supposed habit to wipe tears and hair from my face, i laughed and sobbed and cried and laughed. i was a child. i felt the rug under my feet and the edges and upholstery of my chair. i was sensitive. i pulled at myself and my clothes and surroundings. i took a shower and a bath, staring at the tiles and the bubbles and faucets and bottles; inhaling the sweet redolence of sudsy concoctions; brandishing a razor, not to cut but to shave!!! hahahahahaha i shaved my legs. it was fabulous. i felt so very real in the act; it was amazing. the scent and feel of shaving foam soaked into me, like old times when life was beginning. and my legs were new. cold, but new. ugly and plastic (i was amazed at how ridiculous they looked!) but REAL! i love them, they are so hilarious. they make me giggle. ahhhh.

adios.