by the way, i love thom yorke
i want to meet louise post and thom yorke and bob wills and who else? oh yeah eddie vedder god eddie vedder is fucking amazing!!!!!! and erykah badu if she weren't such a snotty white-hating bitch who doesn't introduce her bands.

okay maybe robert plant since he's doing me some good right now.

hahahaha those guys from sum 41 who remind me like hell of hampshire students. thanks andy for being sort of a teenybopper and having this song on your computer.

by the way i'm hearing the freeman suv's coming up. they're coming up alright they're coming up.

yeah i want to party with those people.

why are there never any fucking parties when i want one.
maybe there will be at marlboro.

hey it's acdc. and they're singing "oy" pretending to be the ramones or something.

harshal's coming over; i have a friend. i forgot. i hope he has money again because i don't fucking have any money.

my teeth are bad i'm going to go brush them, thank you.

oh by the way, here's a healthy fact. i am anorexic, because:
i often don't call zack because i'm afraid to be around him because he forces me to eat. because he thinks food is a joy even though he thinks sex and decorations and perfume are stupid. WHY THE HELL IS FOOD BETTER? i hate inconsistency. bastard.

sorry zack you just piss the hell out of me.

thank you people for being beautiful.

so in case you didn't get all that, don't fall in love. if you can possibly help it since unfortunately you can't help it since you're a fucking moronic human being.

yes, i agree, human beings are beautiful, but only if you don't fall in love with any of them. THEN YOU TURN INTO ME.

i thought i was off all my habits, including love.

okay let me see.

i think i did kick the pot/alcohol thing. i'll have to watch out at marlboro. i think a lot of people have addictions. maybe i should have requested chem free, after all. i did request smoke free at least.

there's sugar. that is just horrible. i'm going vegan. i will have no fucking headsmashing worries if i'm vegan. when i'm vegan i feel amazing. like nothing can touch me. including love. everything's under control when i'm vegan. sugar will be the death of me. i'd better fucking cut it if i know what's best for me. too bad THIS FUCKIGN SOCIETY DOES NOT AGREE. TOO BAD MY "BEST" FRIENDS FORCE ME TO EAT. I HATE THEM ALL. SHUT THE HELL UP ZACK, GO TO HELL, I DON'T CARE IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR ME.

what else. i guess that's it. i was going to count love as an addiction but i love love, it only gets out of control for a week or two every three months, though during those weeks i ONLY remember THOSE weeks. they suck.

and you know what's funny? i think i only get pms-y when i'm as far as possible from getting my period. i'm such a freak of a female. which one of you fucked me up?

i wish i could know louise post. maybe i'll get to meet her someday. she would be fucking cool. we could go trash dave grohl together. you know, i never liked his face, then she told me why.

watch it sarah, you're sounding like abigail.

you know what, i used to have absolutely no respect for kat. i didn't even talk to her. i forget what pissed me off about her. i think i just thought she was trying to be artsy. still, she could have been, but she certainly does not now. she's probably the most real person i know. something that has been said of me a few times. i never fucking know if it's true at ALL.
andrew makes me happy as hell. i'm not in love with him. that's a clue.
shawn makes me happiest of all, still. i was never fucking "in love" with him. how amazing.
i'm glad i know this.

HONESTLY. i don't think i'm going to fucking try to write books. this is the only goddamned writing that's satisfying to me. i knew it when i read j.d. salinger, he's amazing.

what's the fucking point. i'm not going to blow my mind.

OH MY GOD I'M GOING VEGAN AND I'M GOING TO BE HAPPY AS HELL!!!!!!!!

you know what eaming, vh1 made me like garbage again. that is fucking funny as hell. i'm excited about the concert now. are we still going, by the way?
i wonder if i'll still be in love again.

ms baylor is going to think i'm some psycho-idealistic-hippie-girl. my satire was uhhh i'm still not sure if it was a satire, but i was glad as hell when i wrote it because it was real. I LOVE THINGS THAT ARE UNCONTRIVED. I LOVE YOU LOUISE POST. BUT NOT THAT WAY BECAUSE I STILL FEEL ICKY ABOUT GIRLS.

you know what? i think i'm really a lesbian but my rational mind has so conquered all my nature that i'm not at all. that's funny as hell. i only like guys with feminine qualities. andrew is fabulous. i feel like a baby around him, like we're babies together. it's fabulous. awwww. and i'm not in love with him. i still don't like sex.

no, i forgot. my whole goddamned problem was being away from home. i totally lose my center without a routine. which is why i'm going to have a shitty summer. no routine whatsoever. seattle, work, beach, work, bermuda/europe, work and then my aunt is probably going to make me go on the marlboro outdoors trip "no sarah listen to me you HAVE to go and let me tell you why no janet let me finish! sarah if you don't go you will regret it, because everyone else will have a common bond and you will always regret not having gone."

i can't imagine a bunch of marlboro hippies having the will as entering freshmen to go on an outdoors trip.

it's amazing how fucking right i was. half of the girls at marlboro are annoying bitches. it's amazing how much girls suck. the guys are cool for the most part i think. i didn't meet any annoying guys. i talked to a senior who was great except for the weed thing. he studied evolutionary genetics. god, marlboro is a great place, except for the stupid annoying girls and the stupid addictions and shit.

why do drugs have to exist. i wonder if there's a hell and i often wonder if people who use drugs would go to that hell.

wow it's eight fucking oclock and i wish i had some friends i didn't hate. where are they again? all in my mind.

funny what an antisocial masochist i am.

maybe things will be okay at marlboro. maybe i can exercise and people won't call me anorexic. MAYBE I'LL STOP BEING ANOREXIC NOW THAT WOULD BE FUCKING AMAZING BECAUSE I ACKNOWLEDGED IT! I AM ANOREXIC! i would be totally anorexic if there weren't people around me. maybe that is honestly part of why i'm destroying myself bit by bit.

so um what's up?

after twenty-five-or-so days of bliss, i'm bored and restless and depressed and pissed off at everything again.

"why don't you fucking shoot me in the stomach."

so that's why i'm writing here. i had no problems for three and a half weeks and now i do again.

HEY THIS FUCKING THING JUST DELETED ME AGAIN SO NOW I'M WRITING IN NOTEPAD

so i think i'm having a shitty afternoon-evening-night because i CALLED ABIGAIL LAS TNIGHT. i think she really does curse my life. not kidding at all. those four months of misery i underwent this school year were all directly instigated by that stupid fucking relationship. relationships suck. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. IT'S FUCKING AMAZING HOW MUCH LOVE SUCKS. IT'S FUCKING AMAZING HOW CONSISTENTLY LOVE SUCKS.

so yeah when i got home from new york abigail's number was on my caller id and there were no good numbers on my caller id but that's okay, i'm an antisocial masochist. anyway, as i had been feeling particularly disembittered for a while prior to my fabulous little abigail-phone-number discovery, i decided to call her and see how her life is just in case there was any possible way i could comfortably contribute, since she's a useless moron and it's occasionally worthwhile to try and help out useless morons. but probably not.

so i called her and she wasn't there. so when i got back last night from vermont i called her again because of boredom and restlessness because just before then i had amazingly again dialed a phone number which was amazing to dial since i was scared as shit watching my finger do it. but that good person wasn't in; happened to be at a motherfucking concert. go to hell. still hasn't called me back. bastard. LET ME JUST MENTION HERE HOW AMAZINGLY OFTEN LOVE SUCKS. LET ME TELL YOU HOW SO CONSISTENTLY DOES LOVE SUCK. LOVE CONTINUES TO SUCK OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I WAS DOING FUCKING WONDERFULLY THAT ONE WEEK DURING WHICH I WAS IN LOVE WITH ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. I FELT FUCKING CLEANSED. IT WAS GREAT. I HATE LOVE IT'S ALL THE SAME. so anyway i called "abigail" and we had a predictably menial conversation. but i didn't talk WITH her/it, it was more like "we" took turns talking, since "abigail" hasn't changed and continues to interrupt my every other spoken phrase. WHY DO THOSE PEOPLE EXIST WHO ASK YOU QUESTIONS AND DON'T WAIT FOR YOUR ANSWERS. WHY DO THOSE PEOPLE EXIST WHO WANT TO TALK TO YOU BUT ABSOLUTELY DO NOT. FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING MORONS.

so perhaps that's when all this shit started. although i had a fabulous day until 3:40 pm. it's gone downhill from there.

HEY WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE GODDAMNED STOMACH.

i sound like my drunk little brother ricky. no, seriously. i'm not being witty or anything.

HEY FUCK YOU ROBERT PLANT YOU DON'T KNOW ANY GODDAMNED BIG-LEGGED WOMEN I BET YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ANY WOMEN I BET YOU'RE A GODDAMNED FAGGOT LIKE "ABIGAIL"

so now i'm going fucking crazy and i feel like ripping off my skin again. it's amazing that i'm not an alcoholic anymore. DO YOU HEAR ME IT'S FUCKING AMAZING.

i just have to know for sure that this will all pass but i don't so i'm leaning toward insanity. i wonder if requiem for a dream would be a fitting medication. maybe that would turn me the other 180.

by the way, jonathan, i bought both requiem and pi on dvd for twenty bucks! what a deal. jesus christ, let me go fucking be a goddamned salesman.

i wish i could do something entirely destructive right now but there's a goddamned preppy ass birthday party next door and like on every one of her stupid youth group nights all the goddamned freeman suv's will be in MY GODDAMNED DRIVEWAY and EVERYONE ELSE'S ON THE FUCKING STREET BECAUSE LITTLE MISS SARAH ROSEHIPS THINKS SHE OWNS THE GODDAMNED SCHOOL. WHAT A LITTLE FUCKIGN WHORE.

why don't i just fucking kill myself.

it's all the same.

unless i can remember shit. which is goddamned hard to do when i'm like this.

at this moment eight and a half months ago i would be smoking weed with it.

you know things are fucked up when all i can identify with is led zeppelin. that's just some fucked up shit.

DANNY WHERE ARE YOU