wellllllllllllllllllll.

there is absolutely nothing to do.

nothing nothing nothing.

my life is over.

i dont think i've ever said that ^ before.

i feel it, man! i feel like all moments of chaos are gone, and i sure dont wanna succumb to a peaceful life. i wanna go to the mountains, yes, but i want to live an exciting life. and nothing is exciting! i fear that if i were in times square i would feel nothing. and that would be the last straw. i am so totally uninspired. i am so rational, yet dreamy, yet totally outside myself. all i can do is use my checkcard. i hate money. i have everything, therefore i have nothing. i thought it was the suburbs + money, but i was only slightly more excited in the city, and now i fear that new york would make no difference. maybe if i start it all over. but life would just be like that. i want to live a continuous stream of conscious, real events. i dont want to always feel like i'm PLAYING my life, not LIVING it. i want pain and joy. whine, whine, whine, and i'm not even begging. i'm just stating. i feel nothing, not even a yearning. so what am i? what am i doing? am i too smart? whats going on? i think i certainly have reached that level i so wanted a year and a half ago, when i was the epitome of ambitious, and what the fuck do i have? i still (after three weeks or so) feel like i've lived out all my life. nothing's waking me up. i dont want to resort to drugs, either. i haven't, not for seven months and eleven days. but that was one of the last times i remember being woken up. i used to always be awake! awake as in open to feeling. now i'm just like, too awake. i can see through everything and that sucks -- it makes me more transparent than everything i see through. god, i wish i were christian or something. then i'd just be like disgusting, though. i would hate myself i think, but isnt that what i want right now? i want to hate myself, at least so that i know i have the capacity to love myself. (well, maybe i wouldn't). i dont want to feel like a goddamned philosopher. everyone kills themselves. i used to think i would because life had no meaning. now its like, i dont even care enough too. back when i thought life had no meaning, at least that was a thought truly painful to me. now it doesnt even matter because i'm just like waiting for one of these silly little experiences to blossom out and be beautiful once more! i'm still waiting.. still waiting.. and the fact that i'm waiting makes certain the fact that i think things are beautiful somewhere, and THAT makes apparent the fact that i'm sure not seeing any of it, and that leads to the gradual assumption that maybe i'm not going to. and yet i'll always be waiting so i'll never just kill myself. jesus fucking christ. i dont always just want to be living for other people. just talking to people, thinking thats the last thing worth doing. because i still dont care enough about conversation. i'm just making plans. and plans suck. i just want something REAL and UNCONTRIVED to happen. this planned life in the suburbs is killing me. i've got to fucking get away from this shit. oh my god, what if i could just run away. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what bliss. oh my god, is that why my car got fucked up tonight? to keep that from happening? now see, you are all witnesses (if any of you know that this is here which is rather doubtful, maybe jonathan still checks it, i hope he does, i need to call him, to see if we still have some sort of barrier of politeness, gotta get past that, it kills all my relationships) to my soon-to-be-unfolding plans of escape. the sickening thing is that SOMETHING REAL HOLDS ME BACK. my MOTHER and my CONSCIENCE and my ONLY REASON FOR LIVING THAT IS TO DEVOTE MY ENERGY TO HER. oh my goddddddddddd. maybe i WILL open that bottle of champagne,for this certainly does seem like the greatest (of meaning) occasion of the goddamned summer.

I WANT TO BE POOR AND HAVE NO GODDAMNED ROOTS. THAT OR I WANT SOME PARENTS WHO HAVE KNOWN THINGS AND TAUGHT ME THINGS OTHER THAN THINGS OF WISDOM. I WANT TO KNOW FACTS ABOUT THINGS. ALL I GOT IS THEORY AND REFLECTION AND WATCHING. I WANT TO BE DOING. AND I CAN BUT I HAVE TO LIVE OUT THIS GODDAMNED SUMMER. I WANT TO BE A FUCKING FRUITFLY. I WANT TO GO MAD WITHOUT DRUGS. THIS IS WHY ROCK AND ROLL BECOMES INCREASINGLY IMPORTANT TO ME. IT IS MY ONLY IMAGINARY RELEASE. FOR NOTHING I PAINT MEANS ANYTHING, NOT EVEN THE SUBCONSCIOUS THINGS, BECAUSE THERE ARE STILL THE RESOURCES THAT I WANT TO PRESERVE AND I CANT STAND TO TAKE OUT WOODEN FRAMES AND ALLA DAT SHIT.

I WANT TO CARE ABOUT SHEEOT.

i want to loveiwanttoloveiwantocareietuqpiu toiuqoiuoiuoiu

i want to just fall off a goddamned mountain. but only if it would make me afraid. GOD see that's what i'm doing, i'm anticipating everything. i hate this thinking too much thing. shawn is oh so right. see if things keep up like this, my only choice will be to resort to drugs. but then what after that? see, i have already become habituated to THAT prospect, as well. i'm screwing myself over tenfold, and how did this accelerate so? how did i reach some goddamned point of no return? terrible terrible. all i have is my smile which holds things behind it no longer. just thoughts. thoughts floating through my vapid brain.

was it hitchcock???????

he didnt even mean anything to me.

hitchcock i mean.

i want some pills now to make me crazy, but what after that? wont it all come back? will i remember???????? methinks sssoooooooooooooooooooooo.

all i'm sayin', pretty baby
la-la-love you, dont mean maybe

i just want to bash my head in, get some fuckin thoughts goin.

maybe i should take that improv class.

maybe i should take an acting class.

i hate my parents.

i want to scream at them.

now i feel tears but no real sadness behind them.............

OR ARE ALL MY GODDAMNED STANDARDS JUST TOO FUCKINGGGGG HIGH. IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT. well yes i already talked about the ambitious point of no return thing but GOD. WHAT THE FUCK. I CANT EVEN HAVE PEACE AS HESSE FOR I HAVE NO PASSIONS EITHER. THIS IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONOT FAIR. SEE, I HAVE NO REMORSE AT USING SILLY PHRASES, THEY ARE ALL THE SAME, EVERYTHING IS UNCONTRIVED THAT I'M DOING AND IT SURE AINT'F UCKIN HELPING. THIS IS SO UNFAIR. WHY CAN'T SOMETHING JUST HIT ME. WHY DID I HAVE TO SIT THROUGH EMERGENCY ROOMS WATCHING MY TWO MOST BELOVED FAMILY MEMBERS IN PAIN. WHAT AM I TO DO. WHAT AM I HERE FOR. TO HELP PEOPLE, IT WERE, BUT THAT WONT HELP ME IT SEEMS, FOR I HAVE THOUGHT TOO MUCH ABOUT THAT AS WELL. WHERE ARE ALL MY THOUGHTS COMING FROM, I HATE TO INTUIT, THANK YOU VERY GODDAMNED MUCH.