why do i have to be like this why why

i've been thinking about that lately, eamingoflamingo.. or yesterday and today at least. but it was one of those things where i didn't really REALIZE what i was thinking and what that meant. so thanks for happening upon that email and reminding me of what i still think is true.

life is looking pretty lonely. but i think that's the only way. it's becoming more and more natural.

and i read about the second circle of hell, in which dwell the committers of lust.

god it's so annoying to be human

that's a song i was typing below, as i was listening
just to let you know i'm not THAT schizophrenic.
of course, not typing, nor shouting at home, nor with anyone else will come close to the REAL FUCKING THING. why did steven tyler have to come along. he fucked it up for me.

decide to walk with me
around the lake tonight
around the lake tonight
by my side .
. . . . . . . .
by my side . .. . . .... .. .. . ..............
I'm not gonna lie
i'll not be a gentleman
behind the boathouse
i'll show you my dark se cret!
.....
I'M NOT GONNA LIE
I WANT YOU FOR MY
MY BLUSHING BRIDE
MY LOVER
BE MY LOVER YEAHHHHHH
DON'T BE AFRAID
I DONT' MEAN TO SCARE YOU
SO HELP ME JEEEEEEEEESUS

.... . ...
..
i can promise you
you will stay as beautiful
with dark hair
and soft skin
forever . . .
... .
....
..........
forever
...
make up your mind
MAKE UP YOUR MIND
AND I'LL PROMISE YOU
I WILL TREAT YOU WELL
MY SWEET ANGEL
SO HELP ME JEEEEESUS

..
...
give it up to meeee
give it up to meeee
do you waannnnna be
my an gel
give it up to meeeee
give it up to meeeee
do you wannnna be
my an GEL
GIVE IT UP TO ME
GIVE IT UP TO ME
DOOOOOOO YOUUUUU WANNA BE
MY ANGEL
SO HELP ME
. .
..
.......
.....11j.lelil;adl;kjalemwlwpqulkjl1kj1,ajer;lj kfdg

,,

,,a'ewroladf
kldjs;lj
kdkljjslj
lkejiusdiiojkd;jadkslk jewilj
be my angel
. a;ldjf ao
.......
be my angel

... ............
be my angel
do you wanna die
do you wanna die
do you wanna die
do you wanna die
DO OOOOOOO YOUWANNA DIE
DO YOU WANNA DIE

DOOOOOOOOOOOOYOU WANNA DIE
DOOOOOO YOU WANNA DIE
WELL I PROMISE YOU
I WILL TREAT YOU WELL
MY SWEET ANGEL
SO HELP ME JEEEEEESUS
jesus
jesus
jesus
.....
godDAMN! that is all i fucking want to do. i would be the sweetest frontgirl ever. swear to god.
i mean, of course i would have to have a drink or two at the first couple of auditions/band practices/performances, but after that EVERYTHING WOULD BE AWESOME.
i want to screw up love songs ON STAGE GODDAMMIT i want to be HEARD

blah. there had better be some good bands lacking vocalists (that would want me) at marlboro... but it's rather unlikely.
goddammit! and i'm sure clockwork grace is all fine and dandy now because stephen frost hates me and i suppose allan doesn't pay enough attention to have a say and charles is just an annoying jerk anyway.
now, i KNOW i'm alive and operating QUITE NICELY when all i want to do is this. it feels fabulous. but the yearning is a torture. worse than any other yearning. puh :P (kick me now please.)