yes
you
i'm so fucking transparent.
and i'm off to drink some tea because i'm fickle like a woman. maybe i'll start working now on my fourth prom dress.

i fantasize of scissors
i frolic in a faze
i shoot off oaks and apple trees and cry to no one's there

in my remorse - declared morose
in my royalty and rage
and coffee and berets share their fuckingly tearing effect - bigger and blacker and deeper andDUMBER god damn it
i'm going to go ahead and spike it specifically - i'm seasonless, and so are we
we with our breasts and NO i'm not fucking crying for women i hate them all i hate being one i hate itihateithateihateit

and NOW how do you feel about me.. or what do you think

i wish i knew more

i don't get it

.

so i guess i'm alive again. i've just let stupidness soak up too much of me. maybe i can stay aware this time... at least half-as-much. for example, i was all fine when i was dumb. there are several infinite degrees of knowledge that are plainly dangerous, and nothing more.
it's not gone however. it may keep coming back and i'm sure it will because my life doesnt want to settle down yet although I DESPERATELY WANT IT TO AND HAVE SO FOR A FEASIBLE STRETCH OF HUMAN ERROR.
perhaps if i submit again it will calm down. perhaps if i shave my legs and dye my hair and wear mascara again, i will be okay. and start taking pills. sometimes illusions are happy things even when you know exactly what they are. especially when it comes to hot chocolate. even then touching the truth is still painful like now.
i still don't feel like it though because i hate those girls and don't want to be like that kind. although i wouldn't be. i'd better not start thinking like abigail. interestingly enough, i used to possess a visual motif of black-and-white.
i have to shut the fuck up now because i sound horribly like an angst-ridden teen.
sorry jonathan. you spell your name a lovely way, by-the-way; did i ever mention that? it feels clean.

KICK IN THE SPEAKER
FALL IN THE FLOOR
SMASH MY ELBOW INTO THE WALL TO THE SOUND OF MUSIC THAT I CAN'T LISTEN TO BECAUSE IT HAS A MALE SINGER AND IS TOO GOOD FOR ME
SLICE OFF EVERY CELL OF FAT ON MY BODY
SAW OFF MY HAIR AND BLEACH IT UNTIL THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT
FEED BY FORCE MY EYELASHES INTO MY TOENAILS

while they laughed because i'm their silly little girl friend that wants to fly and can't