it's good to be alive. because i'm alive, so very alive, yet still myself, which means that liveliness and the lack thereof are really the only things i sense. i'm veritably entertained. :)

i hope that didn't sound cocky.

i guess you could say my life is following all it's old patterns except at warp speed. like, whoa man, like, that fast. my parents say it's been ages since i've been home. it's been like an afternoon. because so many goddamned things have happened that the only way to keep from being swept up by the whirlwind is to not notice the events at all, and just notice how they are. and it is so refreshing to be able to live like that and to be content and active with it. it's kind of funny that i manage to do so many things. i dunno. i've been surprising myself a helluva lot. except not really since i'm not surprised. you know?

i wonder who will ever look at this.

jonathan, i still never finished/gave you that letter. once and again i think about it. i'm sorry, man. i dont think it's necessary anymore though. but i'll check on that.

i might have to fly home this weekend. that would be insane. everything's insane, has been since i got here, is reaching new heights of insanity, so i think thats why my back hurts. i dunno. i'm so used to/able to/content with carrying everyone and myself on my shoulders, and not even wondering at the rightness of it. when i do wonder, i stop doing anything at all. i was like that for the last couple weeks. just observing and listening. but i've gotta start doing shit again.

oh yes, so i might have to fly home this weekend because my mom is dying.

two hundred sixty nine days.