i am always, always, every moment!!! thinking about what life is worth. it sucks. i fucking hate it. i wish i didn't fucking question everything. it makes me so fucking miserable.

i KNOW life isn't worth anything concrete or measurable. but with all my self-doubt i am constantly asking myself whether what i am doing is worth its time, its energy, and what else i could be doing, and what would be better for others, and what would be better for me, and should i just give it all up and become a hobo. that's my fucking dream, so why don't i fucking do it.

ah, because of my family. methinks. i love my family. goddamn, i'm lucky.

stupid fucking work. it's so fucking grotesque. aughhhh why do we all work so much. WHAT ARE WE WORKING FOR? is the grand question. yeah, it's a part of life but HOW DID IT GET THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE? egads.

shitloads of papers. shitloads of work. shitloads of avoidances. god i love this school. some fucking utopia it turned out to be. the life of the mind is still a life, and life necessitates a variety of occupations. therefore, i'm pretty fucking malnourished.

i hate how things here operate on a timetable. you have a set number of weeks to work. you can choose to leave but you only have a set number of weeks in which to do that. you cannot intermittently work. you have to do one or the other. so you're always starving for something.

GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

meanwhile, back at the hellhole. i'm just trying to stay as busy as fucking possible. the monitor of my brother's laptop ceased to function as soon as i brought it home. i guess it was holding out, giving me the last of its grace through those graceless last few days. so now i'm in the library, and that's okay. it's the only place where i can think clearly.. although the edges of my thoughts are still contaminated by hurries and worries and insecurities and self-doubt and bitterness.

yes, i am indeed in a tight spot. and there are rocks all around!

counting the fucking days. it's only monday. i got back last night. not even twenty-four hours ago. jesus fucking christ. AUGGHHHHHH

i miss my family. goddammit. i miss being at home. why does hell exist.