so um what's up?

after twenty-five-or-so days of bliss, i'm bored and restless and depressed and pissed off at everything again.

"why don't you fucking shoot me in the stomach."

so that's why i'm writing here. i had no problems for three and a half weeks and now i do again.

HEY THIS FUCKING THING JUST DELETED ME AGAIN SO NOW I'M WRITING IN NOTEPAD

so i think i'm having a shitty afternoon-evening-night because i CALLED ABIGAIL LAS TNIGHT. i think she really does curse my life. not kidding at all. those four months of misery i underwent this school year were all directly instigated by that stupid fucking relationship. relationships suck. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. IT'S FUCKING AMAZING HOW MUCH LOVE SUCKS. IT'S FUCKING AMAZING HOW CONSISTENTLY LOVE SUCKS.

so yeah when i got home from new york abigail's number was on my caller id and there were no good numbers on my caller id but that's okay, i'm an antisocial masochist. anyway, as i had been feeling particularly disembittered for a while prior to my fabulous little abigail-phone-number discovery, i decided to call her and see how her life is just in case there was any possible way i could comfortably contribute, since she's a useless moron and it's occasionally worthwhile to try and help out useless morons. but probably not.

so i called her and she wasn't there. so when i got back last night from vermont i called her again because of boredom and restlessness because just before then i had amazingly again dialed a phone number which was amazing to dial since i was scared as shit watching my finger do it. but that good person wasn't in; happened to be at a motherfucking concert. go to hell. still hasn't called me back. bastard. LET ME JUST MENTION HERE HOW AMAZINGLY OFTEN LOVE SUCKS. LET ME TELL YOU HOW SO CONSISTENTLY DOES LOVE SUCK. LOVE CONTINUES TO SUCK OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I WAS DOING FUCKING WONDERFULLY THAT ONE WEEK DURING WHICH I WAS IN LOVE WITH ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. I FELT FUCKING CLEANSED. IT WAS GREAT. I HATE LOVE IT'S ALL THE SAME. so anyway i called "abigail" and we had a predictably menial conversation. but i didn't talk WITH her/it, it was more like "we" took turns talking, since "abigail" hasn't changed and continues to interrupt my every other spoken phrase. WHY DO THOSE PEOPLE EXIST WHO ASK YOU QUESTIONS AND DON'T WAIT FOR YOUR ANSWERS. WHY DO THOSE PEOPLE EXIST WHO WANT TO TALK TO YOU BUT ABSOLUTELY DO NOT. FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING MORONS.

so perhaps that's when all this shit started. although i had a fabulous day until 3:40 pm. it's gone downhill from there.

HEY WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE GODDAMNED STOMACH.

i sound like my drunk little brother ricky. no, seriously. i'm not being witty or anything.

HEY FUCK YOU ROBERT PLANT YOU DON'T KNOW ANY GODDAMNED BIG-LEGGED WOMEN I BET YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ANY WOMEN I BET YOU'RE A GODDAMNED FAGGOT LIKE "ABIGAIL"

so now i'm going fucking crazy and i feel like ripping off my skin again. it's amazing that i'm not an alcoholic anymore. DO YOU HEAR ME IT'S FUCKING AMAZING.

i just have to know for sure that this will all pass but i don't so i'm leaning toward insanity. i wonder if requiem for a dream would be a fitting medication. maybe that would turn me the other 180.

by the way, jonathan, i bought both requiem and pi on dvd for twenty bucks! what a deal. jesus christ, let me go fucking be a goddamned salesman.

i wish i could do something entirely destructive right now but there's a goddamned preppy ass birthday party next door and like on every one of her stupid youth group nights all the goddamned freeman suv's will be in MY GODDAMNED DRIVEWAY and EVERYONE ELSE'S ON THE FUCKING STREET BECAUSE LITTLE MISS SARAH ROSEHIPS THINKS SHE OWNS THE GODDAMNED SCHOOL. WHAT A LITTLE FUCKIGN WHORE.

why don't i just fucking kill myself.

it's all the same.

unless i can remember shit. which is goddamned hard to do when i'm like this.

at this moment eight and a half months ago i would be smoking weed with it.

you know things are fucked up when all i can identify with is led zeppelin. that's just some fucked up shit.

DANNY WHERE ARE YOU