but really i don't know
has anyone else been in the midst of a thick mental fog ever since school started? maybe before then??? i can't remember, i can't remember what it felt like to be different, i can't remember if anything started or stopped except for that one week i think because that fog is so goshdarned thick.

....
so get this. my mom's "driver/caretaker" number THREE is named ODESSA. goddamned whore. she keeps showing up late even when mom tells her to get here earlier. she almost fell asleep at the wheel the other day. and when she gets bored with resting in her fat and undergarments with her small hands, attached to hams, clasping her great big thighs, with her shadowy white eyes looking at the yellow wall again and again, in my living room, she shouts--breaking from her normal smiling speechlessness--she shouts gratingly, "JANET!" and when she receives no answer she remains in "her" chair, sedentary, soft, and stout, and waits a couple minutes before repeating her ear-grinding shriek.

and i only see her once a day. my mom deals with these bitches so continually. there are so many bitches when you're sick. SO MANY GODDAMNED BITCHES. THINK ABOUT THAT DAD. I HATE YOU YOU GODDAMNED SELF-SATISFIED BREADWINNER. EAT IT.
....

what kids hate most is hypocrisy. no wonder i'm a bad babysitter.
....

it's funny that film directors see a need to idealize love. i wonder if they fundamentally screw us up. i don't even see where they got the idea. the type of love they always idealize is not even the type that IS ideal! they probably think their experiences are far beyond those felt by the rest of us, us with our sexual infatuations.
....

too bad some people are christian.
................................................................................................

i really hate that word, you know? the word "christian", that is. it makes me think of silver watches and white running shoes and pink kitchen tiles and those dumb hemp-and-clay-bead necklaces and a lot of blue. also dirt. it makes me think of dirt around people's necks. it also makes me think of hypocrisy, especially on the faces of ministers and in the sounds that come from their dirty pink mouths. the syrupy sounds that brainwash yuppies rich and poor into hating themselves and chinese people.

WE'RE ALL SINNERS!!!!!! THAT'S THE DUMBEST SHIT I'VE EVER HEARD!!!!11