i WAS happy--i swear! just last night and this morning... the happiness pervaded me, like it hadn't in years.. or at least one, perhaps. but... no, i don't even think i was really happy last spring. i only thought i was. that's when all my compulsion really began, i believe. that's when i started wanting to have a perfect soul. thanks a lot all you literal bastards.

but i have felt pure lately... cleansed of most personal desire... maybe partly from writing so much, but not for deadlines.

no, i'm probably just getting smarter. thank the deity for natural progression...?

i don't really have anything to write about. i'm just putting off the slumber monolith a few more feet. it's gaining.

it's been fun to think of prom and blondeness. also of human behaviour. and lighting. Following - fascinating cinematography. the makers of Memento, which i'm to view in the future.

so who is venus as a boy? he is rather evasive. (and so i seem to succumb to the feminine mystique. when will i stop. probably in vermont, or by june. that'd be nice.)

as caitlin advised, "you need a balance." so i'm going to stop hating girls. i'll be surrounded by them at marlboro (goddammit). girls who i may be more apt to pre-judge. so i may as well enjoy the company of conventionality around these parts.

sleep is nice. in a bit.

there's moooooooooooooore to life than this. but i'd rather watch the sun set.

signing off, as it is pointless to continue to attempt to empty every thought in this manner. i'm not going to try to be another fucking picasso. i'm going to be at peace. i'm going to get my sleep.