have seen magnolia! the acting is terrific. it's a nice length too. very compact for three hours. i think everything about that movie is well done. the script is wonderful. so is all the camera work.

isn't it cool how such a silly man (tom cruise) gets such good films? i mean, vanilla sky is perhaps the most incredible film experience in existence. i think it's just his zealous confidence in relation to his small stature that makes him laughable.

and, man! i love alfred hitchcock. what a pioneer. spellbound is so wonderful for all its romantic attempts and all its psychological webs and all its visual complexity. a film with ingrid bergman and gregory peck +sigmund freud+salvador dai??? this man totally gratifies me. and i just saw rear window. wow! i've never had such a reaction to a movie from the sixties. perfection!

okay, i am quite conscious of sounding like some egotistical bastard writing for some yuppie richmond magazine like style weekly or something so i'll just shut up.

BUT ALFRED HITCHCOCK IS COOL!

and david lynch is not. i really hate that guy. what a dumb fuck.

okay. if you want to make a statement about jealousy in hollywood, WHAT THE FUCK!!!, don't make the creation as dumb as the subject. i mean unless you have a serious perspective on such ridiculous trash. in which case, you don't deserve to involve millions of dollars and hours in anything you HAVE A NOTION ABOUT, at all. dumb fuck.

that was another mulholland drive rant. david lynch is a fucking moron.

okay.

uhhhhhhhh
oh yeah, so i'm alive again. i forget when i started being alive. i think it was like last sunday night, when i watched spellbound. sunday nights are usually good things for me. i used to hate sundays when i only associated them with church. that was probably from like sixth grade to tenth grade or something. then last year i started reading a lot on sundays and having a lot of peace and OH YEAH!!! im sure its not a coincidence that my dad moved out at the end of tenth grade. yeah, on sundays, well and every day, my dad was very loud and invasive whenever he was in the house and had "energy" and felt like "gettin' things done". yeah my dad is annoying as hell and pretty unaware of it.

ahh, so i was talking about sundays. well, then i started to have quiet sundays after my dad left and i no longer had to "get outta the house" or "get things done" like stupid menial housework that should be reserved for school days that are already ruined anyway. i wish my dad didn't help himself be so miserable. that just sucks. i wish he didn't think that sitting, in his stupid goddamned corporate office with his belly molded by the angled edge of his desk while he alternates between pushing the buttons on his speakerphone to reach the managed souls he possesses, pushing the buttons on his smooth, firm, cleancut gray keyboard in pursuit of new and improved technological explorations on "that interweb thing" , and pushing the buttons of yet another buttondown shirt idly and absentmindedly... i wish he didn't think that sitting there and doing that for an ungodly great fraction of his every day was actually more productive than enjoying what sundays have to offer.

no one knows anything about anyone and i don't even know that
i'll never cease to admit it
how else could i like jd salinger?
how else could i so totally lack conviction?
muahahhahah

but really i don't know
has anyone else been in the midst of a thick mental fog ever since school started? maybe before then??? i can't remember, i can't remember what it felt like to be different, i can't remember if anything started or stopped except for that one week i think because that fog is so goshdarned thick.

....
so get this. my mom's "driver/caretaker" number THREE is named ODESSA. goddamned whore. she keeps showing up late even when mom tells her to get here earlier. she almost fell asleep at the wheel the other day. and when she gets bored with resting in her fat and undergarments with her small hands, attached to hams, clasping her great big thighs, with her shadowy white eyes looking at the yellow wall again and again, in my living room, she shouts--breaking from her normal smiling speechlessness--she shouts gratingly, "JANET!" and when she receives no answer she remains in "her" chair, sedentary, soft, and stout, and waits a couple minutes before repeating her ear-grinding shriek.

and i only see her once a day. my mom deals with these bitches so continually. there are so many bitches when you're sick. SO MANY GODDAMNED BITCHES. THINK ABOUT THAT DAD. I HATE YOU YOU GODDAMNED SELF-SATISFIED BREADWINNER. EAT IT.
....

what kids hate most is hypocrisy. no wonder i'm a bad babysitter.
....

it's funny that film directors see a need to idealize love. i wonder if they fundamentally screw us up. i don't even see where they got the idea. the type of love they always idealize is not even the type that IS ideal! they probably think their experiences are far beyond those felt by the rest of us, us with our sexual infatuations.
....

too bad some people are christian.
................................................................................................

i really hate that word, you know? the word "christian", that is. it makes me think of silver watches and white running shoes and pink kitchen tiles and those dumb hemp-and-clay-bead necklaces and a lot of blue. also dirt. it makes me think of dirt around people's necks. it also makes me think of hypocrisy, especially on the faces of ministers and in the sounds that come from their dirty pink mouths. the syrupy sounds that brainwash yuppies rich and poor into hating themselves and chinese people.

WE'RE ALL SINNERS!!!!!! THAT'S THE DUMBEST SHIT I'VE EVER HEARD!!!!11